How a book taught me to find empathy for the old grumpy lady who killed my vibe

As I’m stepping into my usual morning shower, my phone sounds the rather warring alarm of someone having a heart attack nearby. Before I know of it, I’m dressed and stomping the pedals on my bike as fast as I can to pick up a defibrillator before I find my way to the destination on my phone.

I ride like crazy, crossing sidewalks and cutting Corners. I’m riding like you only can when you’re riding for your life- or someone else’s.

I pick up the defibrillator and continue my adrenaline-pumped bike ride to the victim. I arrive simultaneously as two women carrying defibrillators, who obviously got out the door in a rush, too.

One is wearing a thin t-shirt and the other pajamas shorts. And it’s freezing cold.

Within seconds confusion spreads. There’s no entrance where the GPS suggests.

Moments pass as more heart runners gather, and we call the police for guidance. We get a new location just a minute later, and we’re more than ten people and multiple defibrillators present.

Most of us either run or bike as fast as we can across the street to the right place. We get there simultaneously as the ambulance and are therefore called off.

As I slowly bike back to return the defibrillator and my adrenaline starts to wear off, I feel a slight cold breeze between my legs. I look down, only to discover that I’d forgotten to close the Zipper, which is only really a problem because I didn’t prioritize finding underwear in my rush… From the lack of surprised faces, I concluded that they’d been too focused to notice too.

I laugh it off as I’m putting the heart started back in its box. The warm and fuzzy feeling you get when you’re proud of yourself starts spreading in my body as I get on my bike again. I decide to bike slowly on the sidewalk on the opposite side of what I’m supposed to since it’s only a hundred meters home.

I see an older woman walking toward me, so I slow down as much as possible without losing balance. I signal that I’ve seen her by going as far to the edge of the curb as possible. Just for the sake of it, I give her a big and bright smile as I pass her.

As I was hoping for a smile on her lips, the only thing that passed was, “You IDIOT.”

At first, I was baffled. Did she really say that?!

Then I noticed my warm feeling fading out.

My mind switched to full-on defense, and the voice inside my head took over…

“How dare she call me an idiot!?

Such an ungrateful old crow…

A stranger just had a heart attack, and I went out of my way to help.

Is this the thanks I get?!

I bet it was even someone old like her I went to help. Heck, it might as well have been her.

I hope I never become such a grumpy old idiot without perspective.”

Right then, I caught myself in my bullshit and self-deception. She might have lacked perspective and could easily have granted me the benefit of the doubt. Nonetheless, I forgot to account for her viewpoint in my blame.

I challenged myself to see the situation through her eyes. It quickly became obvious that I was an idiot at that moment.

My laziness and good deed moments before made me feel justified in biking in the wrong direction and even on the sidewalk. And instead of just getting off the bike when passing her, I did the lazy act of merely slowing down.

Watching myself through her eyes made me realize how uneasy and unsafe my behavior could’ve made her feel. My acts were not as considerate from her point of view as they were from mine.

I saw how her being a grumpy old lady toward me turned me into an ego-centric, blaming, and grumpy young man in a matter of seconds. Unwillingly.

After realizing it, my emotions turned to empathy.

Imagine the blame and ill feelings I would’ve kept with me had I not called out my self-deception. Only then was I able to see how I was responsible for triggering the situation.

My friend Anda gifted me a book a few years ago, hoping that it might change my life as it had his.

I’ve read it more than five times since. It’s continuously changing my life as I become better at implementing its wisdom in situations like the one I experienced that morning.

It has provided me the tools to better see reality for what it is, rather than what my insecurities and ego want it to be.

The book is The Anatomy of Peace by Arbinger Institute. Suppose you’re brave enough to call out your own bullshit and become aware of how often you’re distorting reality to justify the actions you make – or the lack thereof.

In that case, I urge you to pick it up.

In my team, it’s a mandatory read. We use the tools to discuss and analyze complex, personal, and emotional situations daily. With this knowledge, we can focus on the things that matter instead of the distractions our self-deception often tricks us into believing is important.